Employee of the Month

It was the summer of 1986.  I was a  year out of high school and working full-time at a Little Caesar’s Pizza on the north side of Milwaukee.  I had no car and no prospects.  The only upside to working there was that since I was an assistant manager they let me have so much overtime that between working and commuting by city bus every day I didn’t have time to spend my money.   $3.65 per hour can really add up.  Anyway, it was a Friday night so the manager was there along with a crew of about a half dozen high school age kids - and me.  

Shortly after I got there Mike, the manager, told me that he’d just hired a new guy who was going to start the next day and that he might stop by to introduce himself later that night. I thought nothing of it at the time and settled into a long night’s work on the pizza line.  Read the ticket order, stretch out the crust, ladle on the sauce, add ingredients, slide it in the conveyor oven, repeat.  

We survived the dinner rush and things were beginning to slow down enough to let a few of the part-timers go home. I was still working the line when I saw Mike walking toward the back along with someone I didn’t recognize walking behind him.  I figured it must be the new guy finally coming in to introduce himself.  I nodded to the guy as they passed behind me, but there was a problem.  The guy had a gun to Mike’s back.  My first thought was this guy hasn’t even started yet and he’s already the worst employee ever!

It took me a second to realize he was robbing us.  So that’s why the cashiers were walking to the back too.  We were all corralled into the break area while the robber told Mike to open the drop safe.

I thought the guy was about to leave when he pointed the gun at one of the cashiers and told her to walk back to the front with him and open the register. He made some snide comment about taking her with him. She started crying then slowly walked forward as he turned and followed behind her.  That’s where I had my chance to be the hero.

He was considerably smaller than me.  All I had to do was get close enough to punch him in the base of the neck and he’d go down.  Then I’d grab the gun and hold him until the cops came. That was my plan, at least.  I made it a few steps before he stopped, turned around and pointed the gun right in my face. “Don’t even try it!”  he said.  “I won’t,” was all I could say as I slunk back to where I’d been standing.  The robber ran out the front door a minute later taking the cash and a big slice of my dignity with him.  

I've been telling that story for years now and the punchline, “that guy’s gotta be the worst employee ever!”  always gets a laugh. It wasn't funny at the time  it happened but the story has changed considerably over the years. Nobody wants to hear about the time you failed at being the hero.  Better to be the guy with the funny story.  One time when I told it though I didn't get a laugh at all. That was when I told it to my nephew.  He had his own story.

He was working at a grocery store when he got a report that some people were shoplifting. He followed the group outside then chased them across the parking lot trying to get the merchandise back when a man stuck a gun in his face and threatened to kill him for a couple of steaks.

What would you do? Is the gun loaded? Was the guy really planning to shoot?  Does it matter? You know how those things play out in the movies. You know how you're supposed to behave. But that's not real life. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t risk my life over meat.  Either did Sean.  

So the guy got away with some steaks and my nephew was left with the story about a time he almost became the employee of the month. That shit stays with you. I just hope he’s able to laugh about it too someday . . .